These Oxford days are precious. Spring has arrived here in the city of dreaming spires, and it seems that every person, after a long and dark winter, steps a little lighter down these ancient streets.
Last month I spoke of praying for an island. As of right now, no island (that I have recognized, at least) has risen up out of the endless waters, but still we wait in expectation. I would be lying if I didn’t say that fear and anxiousness have been knocking. They try desperately to break into the peaceful sanctums of my soul. But those sanctums are still protected by a supernatural peace and by a really good Father’s love.
I have so many unanswered questions right now, but still I hold on to hope. The other day Wes and I had a few hours to ourselves (it was wonderful!) and we were both feeling a little blue. We are having more and more of these “blue” moments as we feel our time in Oxford (for now, at least) coming to a close. We were about to go up to Blackwell’s to sit and read for a while, when we passed by the Sheldonian (which I had never been in), and told Wes we should see if we could go in and look around. Once again, Wes’s University of Oxford student status got us in for free so we decided to go explore.
The Sheldonian is where Wes was matriculated, or where he officially became a member of the University of Oxford. Think graduation day, only during the first week of school…oh and also with a little Latin thrown into the ceremony. No big deal (just kidding…it’s a HUGE deal).
We peeked into the theatre, where the matriculation took place, and then we started climbing the stairs. We didn’t realize that the stairs would take us all the way to the top, where the dome sits.
And what luck! It was empty. No one else was there. And for about 15 minutes we looked out over the 360˚ view, mostly in silence. We never tire of the view of this beautiful city. I believe there is magic in the very stones that make up the historic buildings that surround us. They draw us in, make us feel deeply, and pull out the deep longings within us. God’s Spirit powerfully meets us here in Oxford.
A few people wandered in and out after that time of solitude, and then, once again, we were alone. I began to hum the doxology. And then I began to sing the words, and Wes joined me at the very end as we sang “amen”. It felt like a holy moment, set apart just for us. Then we sang Amazing Grace together. The acoustics up there made each note feel sacred and they echoed deeply within our spirits. We savoured those moments together, knowing that they were special and not to be taken for granted.
I don’t know what is going to happen in the months to come. I have to believe that whatever may come, it will be good. These months here in Oxford have been beyond special…magical, as I say again and again. In the moments that I wonder if God is even present on this earth, I also feel His closeness. I can’t hear Him speak, and yet I also imagine Him breathing on me, giving me life when I don’t even know it. I feel like I am walking in a paradox of thought, battling doubt while also feeling drenched in His peace. I want to cry out and ask God why He won’t speak louder, and at the same time I want to dance in little girl circles because I feel so much joy. I cannot begin to understand why I feel all these things, but I welcome it all (while also fighting it at times) because I feel my insides stretching and growing and learning and unlearning. It feels holy and it feels painful. It feels important. It is important.
And so this is not really an update. This is simply a sharing…I want to be vulnerable and I want to be real. I want others to know and feel they can do the same. How many of us are too scared to say what we truly want for fear of being disappointed when it doesn’t happen? How many of us are too scared to tell the world what God has told us to do, for the simple fear that if God doesn’t come through, we’ll make Him look bad to the rest of the world? We give ourselves too much credit. We give ourselves too much responsibility. It is not because of us that the world sees God as good. It is because of God that the world sees us as good.
We will make mistakes in this life. I have made thousands. But if we don’t start speaking out the dreams that God has placed within us, how will we ever see them come to fruition? Sure, some of them may be fleeting fancies. But how many dreams have we missed out on either because we believe our dreams are “too good to be true” or because we worry that we will be disappointed if we speak our dreams out loud, and they don’t come true. God gives us dreams but He doesn’t force them on us. He’s a good Father that wants to lavish His love on His children, but He won’t force that love on us. It’s simply ours for the taking.
I want to stay in Oxford.
I would love to study English Lit at Magdalen College.
I’d like to become a Royal Crown Diamond with Young Living.
I want to financially provide for my family in Nepal and my family in Kentucky, and anyone else who is in need.
I want to help others believe in their dreams. I want to help others to believe that their dreams are possible.
There…I’ve said a few of my dreams out loud. Some of them I haven’t said out loud before. Maybe I’ll see those dreams come to fruition. Maybe I won’t. But I know that it’s far better to dream, and to go after a dream, than to never dream at all, and to never believe that God has beautiful, dynamic, epic things in store for me, simply because I am too scared to dream.
Tell the world your dreams. The only thing you have to lose is something that hasn’t happened yet, and perhaps a little bit of pride.
Do it.
