Dear Privileged Mom,
Stop trying to be my voice. Stop trying to shame or discipline the other privileged moms on my behalf. I appreciate your heart so much. I know you speak up because you care. But it’s not necessary. In fact, I believe you may be hurting more than you are helping. You are trying to protect my heart, but your efforts only tempt me to question my own happiness and contentment.
I may not have all the material wealth right now (but I have SO much, and for that I am thankful), but I am privileged too. I am privileged because I have air to breath and a family to fight for. I am privileged because I have access to Love that never fails. I have hope that no one can ever take away. I am privileged too.
Sincerely,
Your fellow Privileged Mom
I recently saw a mom on instagram post about giving yourself the freedom to take a break and disappear for a few minutes, or not be all things to all people (aka your kids) all the livelong day…to not feel guilty about letting your kids maybe veg out on the couch in front of an iPad, or giving them crayons to spend 20 minutes drawing, while you get a moment of rest. This is a mom with considerable monetary wealth (I assume…I can’t say for sure because I don’t know her personally…making assumptions about other people’s lives is an ENTIRELY separate blog post) in the eyes of the world. She is strong and bold and inspiring. She doesn’t shy away from speaking about the hard things and the controversial things, and she never puts other women down. And this is why hers is one of my favorite accounts to follow.
On that same post about taking a break, I saw another mom comment and tell her that it was a nice sentiment, “but a privileged one.” As the comments continued, that same mom said not all moms have iPads or crayons, and that some moms work multiple jobs and can’t take that kind of break.
(I’m just going to pause here for a sec and take a couple of deep breaths)
First, it is a poor assumption (and an ignorant and slightly patronizing one) to say that because some moms work multiple jobs or live below the poverty line, they don’t have iPads. Even worse, to say they don’t have access to crayons. Really?! Why is the assumption so often made that people with low incomes don’t have ANYthing? Yes, it is more difficult to buy the “nice” things. And for the moms working multiple jobs, it’s definitely not as easy to find time to rest. But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible!
Second, why is it SO important to even make this kind of comment on a person’s post? If you indeed believe that underprivileged women don’t have iPads, then they probably don’t have iPhones either, or even a laptop. Those women are likely not even on instagram (according to this logic), and don’t need your defense. And even if they ARE on Instagram, would you perhaps consider that your comment does more harm than good?
Let me explain…
I’ve spent much of my life believing I didn’t have enough. I always felt poor, even though I truly had everything I needed. I had a family that loved me, and I had a bed to sleep in, and food to eat. I had friends to spend time with, and material items I didn’t need. I didn’t have all the name brand items that were so important (not truly important…but important for that cool-kid reputation we all wanted in the late 80’s and early 90’s) when I was a kid, but I had everything a girl needs to truly be happy. And yet, I had the textbook poverty mentality. Even when I was a photographer making around 100K a year, traveling the world, I still felt SO poor. But the world (commercials, movies, tv shows, social media, etc. etc.) kept telling me that I didn’t have enough. That I would never have enough.
It wasn’t until I hit my 40’s (I’m 42 now), when I entered into the most monetarily deficient time of my entire life, that I began to feel rich. And listen…when I say monetarily deficient, I mean it. And yes, there are people struggling FAR more than my family is. There are families unsure of where their next meal is coming from. There are people living on streets, and people without any family to care for them. I’m saying that just to make sure you know I know that. But now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, the truth is that we are on Medicaid, and we live on an income that lingers just at or below the federal poverty level. We are thankful that we have received help from others, and thank God my parents give us a place to live while we figure this new life out. AND, no matter what, provision comes in many forms. Last year, when we had come to the end of our cash, and our credit card bills were overwhelming us (I’ve never had credit card debt…EVER…not until I was 40 and we took a big leap of faith and moved to Oxford in the UK and put Wes’s college tuition on a credit card), we weren’t quite sure what we would do next. We didn’t know what jobs we could take on while still being able to get our kids to and from school, and the other 8 million activities they had to be at. But at just the right moment, an old friend asked Wes if he needed some work without knowing our situation. It was remodeling work, and it was the provision we needed and we rejoiced because of it! Was it the way we had hoped it would all work out? Not at all. We imagined/hoped that our new health and wellness business would immediately take off, and that we would easily transfer from our photography business into Young Living with no bumps in the road. Other plans were in motion, though, and we were about to receive a beautiful lesson in faith and trust.
As we struggled financially, I started doing exercises in thought. I had been reading about the possibility of changing the way we think. I wanted that. I started being grateful for everything that I had. I started speaking out my intentions and dreams for the world to hear, and my husband and children did this too. I began to believe for things that didn’t seem possible, and sometimes still don’t seem possible! But I believe for them every day, because I’d rather live a life of belief and possibility, than a life where I believe everything is a struggle and that the whole world is against me. I never want to look at other people’s abundance as a reminder of my lack…because it isn’t. Other people’s abundance and success is a reminder of how anything is possible. It’s inspiring and should only encourage me to keep fighting for those big dreams that I have.
This leads me to my final thought. Someone else’s success and wealth is not hurtful to me. It does not make me feel like less of a person, or even a failure. That seems kind of selfish, doesn’t it? Blaming someone else for my pain? When I see someone on Instagram doing all the things, and buying all the things, I don’t feel upset or jealous. I don’t feel envious or hurt. Do you know why that is? Because it is my choice. I get to choose how I respond to things. I get to choose how I move forward in my life, or if I move forward in my life. Feeling sorry for myself because others seem to have it better than me is a big fat waste of my time. This doesn’t mean that I will never be upset by someone else’s words. Obviously, I got a little upset about one mom’s response to another mom’s post. The irony is not lost on me. With that said, it upset me in a way that motivated me to push forward even more. It reminded me that I am not in competition with all the men and women in my world. I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. Seeing other people become successful and gain wealth (in all the ways…monetarily, family, jobs etc.) brings me joy. It reminds me that anything is possible. Are there people who are legitimately living in poverty, without access to even the most basic of human needs? Yes. So let us focus on being a voice for them. But not by commenting on someone’s instagram. That won’t bring change. Let’s be moved to action. Let’s babysit for the moms who don’t have any time for themselves. Let’s buy groceries for the moms and dads who can’t get food on the table this week. And if you don’t know where those moms and dads are, get proximate. Find them. They’re all around us.
And let’s stop being so critical of what other people are sharing on social media. If we tried to cater to EVERY single thought, belief, socioeconomic status, religion, and feeling, we’d never be able to share another single word. The ability to speak would either cease, or we’d never find enough time to write out ALL the things we need to write in order to include EVERY single person’s perspective (by the way…that’s literally impossible to do without contradicting your OWN perspective and belief system). And let us consider that when we are trying to be inclusive, and point out that some people are being left out, we may be contributing to the discontent of the very group of people we are trying to lift up.
Let us love more, and criticize less. And let’s not let our circumstances dictate our happiness. We have more control over our thoughts and emotions than we think we do. We have been given the gift of a mind of our own. Let’s choose hope and joy, even when the circumstances are dim and seem hopeless. When we seek out hope, joy and love, it’s almost guaranteed we will find it.
